Sports 4 Dorks

Shaquille O’Neal:
Yo, Zo?

Alonzo Mourning:
Yes, Shaq?

Shaq: Who’s this
guy sittin’ next to me?

Zo: He can hear
you, man, be quiet. That’s Joel Anthony.

Shaq: Joel Anthony?

Joel Anthony:
Yeah?

Shaq: Nothin’.
Hey, Zo?

Zo: Yeah, Shaq?

Shaq: What
happened to Mark Blount?

Zo: He’s out
there, playing. He had 15 points in the first half. You pointed him out to me, "the tall dude talkin’ to Craig Sager …,"
remember?

Shaq: No.

Zo: Yeah, well,
he’s out there.

Shaq: Hey, Zo?

Zo: Yes, Shaq?

Shaq: I don’t
like Mark Blount.

Zo: Don’t say
that, man.

Shaq: I was
getting a little upset because I thought Joel Anthony …

Joel Anthony: Yes?

Shaq: Nothin’. (Whispers) Because I thought I was
sitting next to Mark Blount, I mean Mark Blount, and I don’t like Mark Blount. You think his last
name is "Blount" like "oww," but it’s "blunt" like the things Jermaine O’Neal
got caught with.

Zo: Jermaine
O’Neal?

Shaq: Yeah. Dude
smokes weed.

Zo: You mean
David Harrison?

Shaq: Got caught
with some Mark Blounts?

Zo: Yeah. Plays
for the Pacers.

Shaq: He doesn’t
play. He got suspended. For weed.

Zo: You know what I mean.

Shaq: Yeah, but
do you know what I mean?

Zo: Whatever, man.

Shaq: EXACTLY.

(Eight seconds pass.) 

Shaq: Hey Zo?

Zo: Yes, Shaq.

Shaq: Remember that song I did with
Fu-Schnickens? About how I was the first pick in the draft?

Zo: Yes, Shaq.

Shaq: I wasn’t
being bragadocious.

Zo: I know, Shaq.
It’s cool.

Shaq: Really?

Zo: Really.

Shaq: Because I
WAS the first pick. Not you, not Christian Laettner.

Zo: I know, Shaq. I’m cool with it.

Shaq: For real?

Zo: I didn’t like
how you rhymed my last name with "word is born, and."

Shaq: What?

Zo: Nothing,
Shaq. It was a good song.

Shaq: I thought
so. Better than Kobe’s.

Zo: Yes, Shaq. It
was better than Kobe’s.

Shaq: I mean, he didn’t put out an album.

Zo: Yes, Shaq.

Shaq: I had a whole bunch
of albums. Even
a greatest hits album.

Zo: Even a greatest hits album. Much
better than Kobe.

Shaq: You
seriously think so?

Zo: Yes, Shaq.

Shaq: Yeah. Hey
Mark?

Joel Anthony: It’s
"Joel," man. It’s been four months.

Shaq: That’s
cool. You ever seen the deleted scenes from the "Steel" DVD?

Joel Anthony: No,
man. You asked me this before. I can’t come over

Shaq: That’s cool, bro. I was in "Good Burger," too.

Joel Anthony: We
know, Shaq. Kobe
wasn’t.

Shaq: Totally.