Sports 4 Dorks

The one on the right is Kobe. Trustme, it makes sense. Sort of.
I don’t know how to put this but I’m kind of a big deal. People know me. I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

What am I talking about, you ask? Well, starting today — and lasting until they pry it from my cold, dead hands — I will be writing the NBA Closer column for Deadspin. (No, seriously, here’s my first column.)

This isn’t going to be easy, since I’m following in the footsteps of J.E. Skeets from The Basketball Jones, and that crazy bastard moonwalks everywhere. And it’ll mean less time flying around Chicago and protecting the city in my nuclear-powered robot suit, but this is about something much bigger than fighting crime. It’s about me.

But never fear. I will continue to provide the same low-grade fart jokes and penis humor to which you are accustomed. And just to alleviate any fears that my work here may start to suffer under the increased workload, I promise to start hating Kobe three percent more than ever. That’s a money back guarantee, folks.

Now go over to Deadspin. Read my stuff. Comment on it. Praise it. Then buy a bunch of cool stuff and send it to me.